1. Notes: 1 / 2 years ago 
   "And just for a moment I reached the point of ecstasy that I always wanted to reach which was the complete step across chronological time into timeless shadows, and wonderment in the bleakness of the mortal realm, and the sensation of death kicking at my heels to move on, with a phantom dogging its own heels, and myself hurrying to a plank where all the angels dove off and flew into the holy void of uncreated emptiness, the potent and inconceivable radiancies shining in bright Mind Essence, innumerable lotus-lands falling open in the magic mothswarm of heaven. I could hear an indescribable seething roar which wasn’t in my ear but everywhere and had nothing to do with sounds. I realized that I had died and been reborn numberless times but just didn’t remember because the transitions from life to death and back are so ghostly easy, a magical action for naught, like falling asleep and waking up again a million times, the utter casualness and deep ignorance of it."
2. Notes: 1 / 2 years ago 
   "Its not easy soulless
   Trying to stay true enough, well
   But you my dear, I tell you true enough, I’m true as I could be
   But fall inside this
   Stumbling down drunk I wrote that
   I find myself more and more mistaking
   Myself for someone else"
   - Dave Matthews Band
3. 2 years ago 

   Two riders were approaching

   “And the wind began to howl” – Jimi Hendrix

   Ever get the feeling that something bad was about to happen? Not necessarily immediately, but rather something detrimental was set to occur in the coming weeks? I don’t blame you if you haven’t, I never had experienced such a feeling until just recently. In fact it was a feeling I had carried for a couple months now; I think it’s part of the reason I took such a liking to the song All Along the Watchtower (originally written by Bob Dylan, but the song was perfected by Jimi Hendrix. However props to Dylan for the lyrics, which are the best part.) I just did a song “evaluation” last post, and that’s not what I’m aiming for here, but the lyrics reflect both ominous foreboding and an appreciation of life.
   Anyways, onto the topic, quickly go through the top five greatest feelings you can have. Having a hard time? Sure you are, I couldn’t come up with that on the spot, maybe one of you is more perceptive and can, but I couldn’t. How about the feeling of overcoming dread? You’ve been dreading seeing the result of your English midterm for months only to find out you made an A. It’s a pretty awesome feeling isn’t it, to not only rid yourself of the dread but replace it with elation. I’d put it in my top five “feelings.” Don’t ask me to name the other four, I don’t know. Yeah that’s a hole in this blog, shoot me. Also I feel like I’m writing a blog towards middle school English kids with the way I voice myself in this blog…sometimes. “Having a hard time? Sure you are! BUT YOU CAN DO IT AND I’M SO PROUD OF THE PROGRESS YOU’VE MADE!!!1!!ONE!!” Yeah, gonna get rid of that. Anyways, back to that feeling.
   So I ran through Carolina’s campus today….ran straight through it and found a neighborhood that had a convenient nature trail in the back and I ran through that too. I haven’t run in months and found myself ridiculously out of shape, but something about the beauty of Carolina’s campus makes that grueling process to shape your body all the more enjoyable. Anyways I promised myself I wouldn’t make this blog a dear diary blog so let me jump the point(s). I was running down a path parallel with one of the undergrad theaters and saw a man walking towards the entrance. As I passed him he heard my footsteps and quickly glanced in my direction, causing him to stumble a bit on a staircase, but that’s it. That’s the end of that story. Insignificant to most? Probably, but it gave me the material I’d need for the short story I will be writing entitled “The Man who Turned Clockwise.” More on that in the future.
   Secondly, in this run, regarding that “feeling” I was describing earlier, I had an epiphany. Yes, I used epiphany, probably one of the top five “smart words” dumb people use to sound smart, but this was a legit epiphany. It wasn’t something stupid like “omgz lime green lukz sooo good on meee xox<3.” No, I realized that things I dread are totally dependent on me. Are the “things” themselves dependent on me necessarily? No, I didn’t schedule the midterm or whatever else it could be. But the fact it’s a thing I dread, that’s totally dependent on me. To be honest I had an English midterm but I didn’t dread it or the grade at all, it was just an example but I feel stupid talking about dreading grades so I felt like pointing that out now. Anyways, in almost every blog post I try to raise an idea or question that readers (though I’ve told no one about this blog so I don’t have any readers) don’t normally consider.
   So think about the cultivation of dread. In layman’s terms, what is dread? At the very core, it’s an emotion. An emotion characterized by an extreme anxiety, even fear of the occurrence of a possible, or sometimes certain, happening. Dread gets thrown around liberally these days. Someone dreads the SAT, or getting up at 8 AM to go to the a horrible, horrible Astronomy class. But I think psychologically dread takes a far more subversive root in someone. Take the following scenario: A coworker calls you and says he has photographical proof your wife is having an affair. He says he’ll send you an e-mail with the alleged picture attached. For hours you sit at your computer with a mangled vineyard sprouting in your stomach. You see a new e-mail from your coworkers e-mail address with an attachment, and you click on the attachment, and the vineyard grows fuller. This is dread, and over a few hours it has conquered your mind, body, and soul. Even if it was just a mean-spirited joke and the attached picture turns out to be a hilarious LOLcatz photo, it still doesn’t give you back those hours you sat at the computer (although it DOES give you plenty of reason to drop kick your coworker’s pet.) The bottom line is we can’t affect dread. You can’t help that pit-of-your-stomach feeling from arriving. But you can control how much it handicaps you. I once told someone “Ball and chains are only worn by those who put them on themselves.” (No, I’m not pimping my own quote, I’m sure I heard it from somewhere, I just don’t remember where.) And it’s completely true. I’ve fallen victim far too often to being passive in many of my relationships. I’ll grasp at straws to vindicate others. And you wander down a continual path of dread doing this. You become the guy who is “there when you want him, but you don’t always want him.” You’ll get ignored or overlooked constantly, because it’s not convenient for the other to take twenty seconds to say something to you. You can’t totally blame the other person either though, because you have set yourself up to be “that guy.”
   And in my past I have consciously continued being “that guy” until the other just got fed up enough to caustically let me go. (Obviously this is usually a guy/girl thing, fyi.) And in every single one of those relationship I could see it coming miles in advance, yet I sat there. This week I’ve had all sorts of opinions about these situations and made spur-of-the-moment decisions followed by constant re-evaluation of said decisions. But I’ve finally crossed that threshold where I can stand up and not have a problem backing away from someone who doesn’t give you the time. Yes, it’s difficult to get past things, but sometimes you learn hanging on was far more detrimental. I would’ve been so much better had I taken that mindset a long time ago,but sometimes lessons are best taught in the most difficult way possible. Life generally presents two options, but neither are ever guaranteed to please. It’d be far too easy that way. As a “bachelor” I’ve evolved so far since my middle school days, and I still have far to go, but it’s rewarding to see evidence of improvement. I explained my most recent female situation to a good friend and they asked what my next course of action was. I replied “Make good grades and get into law school,” and I paused afterwards, not contemplating what I actually had said, because it was so completely distanced from my mindset before. Gone was some sort of burning reverence for the opposite sex, moreover it appears that I had finally recognized myself as being on equal footing with the aforementioned gender. I have many life goals, and dating has finally fallen into line with the rest of the top dogs. It doesn’t sit on it’s own troubled pedestal above the rest. And that’s a great thing.
   The sobering fact though is it’s never as easy as I make it seem. I still hold feelings and appreciation for people of my past, because I know that none of them are bad people. Many factors influence how one treats another, and most of the factors are out of the control of either party. More often that not these factors cause a different behavior that one truly advocates. Such is the way of life. Maturity is built by overcoming these factors, but alas it doesn’t define one’s character if they haven’t reached such a level yet, especially if they’re earnestly working towards it. I know I’ll probably interact with my past at some point in the future. Two riders have approached and the wind began howling. But they’ll be back. Two riders will approach and the wind will once again howl. But maybe the howl will be a different pitch in the future. Who knows what the tide could bring in?

4. 2 years ago 

   Stuff that keeps you up at night

   Originally posted November 3

   I’m not stranger to late nights at college, I have yet to go to bed before 12 since I’ve been here. Legit. But I was actually at a bed at a decent hour, listening to my iPod to go to sleep when “Where Are You Going” by Dave Matthews Band came on. Hate Dave Matthews band or not, almost everyone agrees there is something entirely serene about this song. It’s a love ballad but it’s not. It’s more like a “You’re searching for yourself, I’m not stopping you. Go do your own thing, I have no idea what you’re looking for or how you’re going to find it, but I’ll be in the back here, if you ever need a place to recuperate before continuing your journey” ballad. Check out the lyrics

   Where are you going?
   With your long face pulling down
   Don’t hide away, like an ocean
   That you can’t see but you can smell
   And the sound of waves crash down

   I am no superman
   I have no reasons for you
   I am no hero oh that’s for sure
   but I do know one thing
   Is where you are, is where I belong
   I do know where you go is where I want to be

   Where are you going?
   Where do you go?
   Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars?
   Well if along the way
   You are growing weary, you can rest with me
   Until a brighter day, you’re okay

   I am no superman
   I have no answers for you
   I am no hero oh that’s for sure
   but I do know one thing
   That’s where you are is where I belong
   I do know where you go is where I want to be

   It’s not about sticking with someone through their journey, it’s about waiting for them at the end. Interesting concept, and in the American that preaches “stick with someone through everything!” it’s a lost concept. But interesting nonetheless

   And accurate

5. 2 years ago 

   The inner conflict

   Originally posted November 2

   “Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs us to observation and memory. It instigates to invention. It shocks us out of sheeplike passivity, and sets us at noting and contriving.” – John Dewey

   Let me ask you a question: Have you ever wanted to see the good in people? Sounds cliché right? Of course you have. But ask yourself, have you ever wanted to see the good in people, and in doing so acknowledge that you’re continuously blocking out the bad in them? Let’s look even deeper, shall we? What if you were to believe that in looking for the good in the person, you were doing a morally correct service to said person, and thus you felt any reproof levied upon yourself from unbiased third parties was nullified? Huh? I’ll make it simpler. You think looking for the best in someone is inherently good. You’re looking for the best in someone right now, even though it brings pain with it. But since it’s inherently good, any pain incurred is for a good cause and therefore you should continue to pain yourself for the sake of goodness.

   Rationalization is a funny thing isn’t it? It’s vitally important because the world isn’t colored in just black and white, thus decisions sometimes won’t be inherently obvious. It’s also vitally dangerous. “The ends justify the means” is rationalization. Procrastination is rationalization. If distance makes the heart grow fonder then rationalization makes the heart grow more stale. In the above hypothetical (not) scenario, the person is rationalizing their continued ventures into punishment by insisting what they’re doing is of some higher calling. They might not be getting the manifest rewards they deserve, but they trick themselves into believing there’s some latent reward lying underneath the seas of emotions.

   So thus comes the inner conflict, which is ironically enough the title of this post (see what I did there? See that connection?) What truly is the right thing to do in the situation? Should the person continue to do what mightbe good, and what they think might (but probably won’t) have longer term rewards they seek, at the cost of their immediate and possible short-term future happiness? The first answer is a resounding yes. You should always do what is good. But what about the other side? What about the people who say “You shouldn’t give sometime the time if they don’t give you the time.”? There comes a point where one has to look at themselves and insist they deserve better. Think of what a father says to a son who is constantly rebuffed by a girl? “Listen bud, it’s not worth continually putting yourself out there.” There comes a point where a guy’s just got to realize he’s earned respect that he’s not being given. If someone goes to work every day and never gets paid, are they going to stay at the job? Of course not, that’s stupid. Should it not work the same in relationships? If one always gives and one always takes? Most of the same people who said yes to #1 would say yes to this too, because there’s legit arguments to be found in both.

   That’s from where the conflict comes. This isn’t hypothetical, this is reality. What if you know that there is a supreme good inside a person. And for some reason–whether it be stress, or malevolent influences, or confusion–that good is repressed. But you know it’s there and you know it’s good. Should you strive to maintain a relationship until that dedication bears fruit? What if, at the same time, you’re being ostracized and subdued by the same person? They play all sorts of mind games, with the front of being genial, yet their actions speak totally different.  Yet at the same time you don’t know if you’re actually being screwed because you’ve been told nothing. So you battle back and forth between dealing with something or dropping it. Which is the right answer?

   In this case, selfishness is probably best. Drop it and move on

6. 2 years ago 

   Society

   “Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.” – David Borenstein

   There’s a lot to be said about American society these days. While some mark it as progressive–and in some ways it is–I see it being equally as divergent from these progressive beliefs. One of the simple phrases applies here, sometimes too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. Let’s take for instance the role of women in society. Women have gained an enormous amount of rights, benefits, and respect in the last thirty-odd years, and that’s a great thing. But equally as disturbing is the descent of male portrayal in media. Have you ever noticed something that almost all sitcoms have in common? The husband/father is a bumbling idiot while the mother/wife has to hold the fort down and supply the only source of common sense in the house. Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens, The Big Bang Theory, 30 Rock, The Office, Modern Family, Family Guy, Married…with Children, the list goes on and on. Conversely, the few famous sitcoms featuring a strong central male figures include I Love Lucyand The Andy Griffith Show, both some 50-odd years old. Is there anything wrong with women being strong central figures? No, of course not. The problems arise when we devalue one gender in order to support another. Did you know that prostate cancer is more deadly to males than breast cancer is to females? No, you didn’t, because you don’t see Prostate Cancer Awareness Month. NFL players aren’t wearing light blue (Prostate Cancer color) cleats and light blue bows aren’t scattered everywhere. A girl I talked to rationalized this by saying that “Men can’t check their prostates like women can their breasts.” Whatever. I’m all for equality, but that implies that all parties are equal, not women above men.

   Speaking of men though, it’s crazy how old habits lie around. For the first two and a half centuries the American family was defined by a rugged, emotionless, tough, callous father. There were positives to that and there were negatives. Was this every father or every family? No, but it was the template. Once again moving with the times, the man in American has gradually shied away from being an emotionless basset hound into a more tender, loving, emotionally-connected father. But it’s crazy how, at least in the dating scheme of things, emotions on a man seemingly signal weakness. Women age 25 and under (in most cases) don’t want anything to do with a guy who tells them how much he enjoys their company, how he feels about them, etc etc, during an age where that’s supposed to be a trademark of a man who will be an outstanding husband and loving father. So why do girls have a penchant to disinterest themselves in men who act like this? Obviously I’m asking a question that I can’t truly answer, seeing as I’m not a woman and every woman is different, but I do have a hypothesis. I stated earlier that the emotion-free, rugged father of earlier times had good qualities and bad. The good qualities were it gave out an air of protection and he was more inclined to make rational decisions than spur of the moment emotion-based actions. The negatives were a distance between himself and his family, caused by offhand, callous comments not intended for abuse. The new and improved “emotional” man, in girl’s minds, improves the negatives but loses the positives. Women, subconsciously, don’t feel protected and safe with an “emotional” guy who wants to be with them. It’s not “manly.” We should be more concerned about the score of the football game and deciding who has to pay for the next six-pack than comforting a girl when she’s had a rough semester at school. Who cares about you? We just gave up a pick-six and could drop to 0-3 if we don’t score off this two-minute drill. But alas, girls moan and complain about the douchebags they always “seem to fall for.” I understand, some emotional guys are weak, both physically and mentally. And that’s altogether a horrible combination for a husband/boyfriend. But at least give the guy a chance to fail before you quit on them. This is more than just a rant because of my past, but rather I think women just simply don’t understand some guys’ point of view on this. I’m a mixture between the two:When a UNC basketball or football game is on, in most circumstances any romantic feelings I feel for a girl will take a backseat. But if someone I care about is in some kind of emotional stress, I’ll put myself out there as a comfort to them. Why? Because that’s what I was raised to do, that’s how I think you prove you care for someone. Yet we live in a country where that just turns women away over and over again, and the “douchebags” get women because they don’t care about individual women, and that drives said individual women crazy. The whole idea of wanting what you can’t have.

   So I’ve worked my whole life to completely store away my emotional side when in pursuit of a girl. Am I revealing my true self? No, probably not, and for many people this is horrible, because “You should find a girl who loves you for who you are!” Yeah well that’s bull, for a society that preaches such individualism, it worships one central, cliche sort of person, at least for a while. And sometimes my emotions seep through a bit, and it screws me over and over again. Forgive me, but if I care about someone and get the sense they’re ignoring me, I’m going to ask about it. I know that breaks guy rule #1 of not caring about anything, but that’s one item I can’t store away.

   But hey, “There’s someone out there for everyone” right? I just “need to wait til college” and remember that there’s “plenty of other fish in the sea” and that “once I stop looking for something I’ll find it.” Thanks cliches! I owe you one.

7. 2 years ago 

   Daily Thoughts

   Originally posted October 27

   So I’m gonna try to update this once every two days, starting off with a good quote. Of course I don’t know why I’m typing this little introduction to you because I haven’t told anyone I blog.

   “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”

   The college life is so intricately and sometimes divisively based it can go from enjoyable to downright terrifying in a matter of minutes. Yes, college is an absolute blast, and not for one second to I regret attending UNC. Nor should anyone, I don’t understand the negativity towards it that many people have. But college in general, no matter where you attend, “suffers” from the same perceptions that shaped high school.
   Now don’t get me wrong, college and high school are supremely dissimilar, which is a great thing, especially depending upon the high school you attend, but high school was a virtual onslaught of mismatched awkward social settings and trying to fit into the mold that the teachers, not the students, expected of you. Why? Because all in all high school is just about putting your feet on the proper path to an even greater education. Sure there’s lessons to be learned and mistakes to be made and discovery to be found, I get all that, but ultimately high school is about getting to college, and getting yourself in the best possible position, so you do what those who determine your grades command of you, and it works.
   College is decidedly different. Yes you still work towards yet another step in your life, but this step doesn’t involve discovering some sort of medium between yourself and your superior you must exhibit to walk surely. As much talk as is given to the subject of these big universities trying to mash you into some cliché hodgepodge of distorted capitalistic idealism, it really lacks merit (by the way, so to does the talk that UNC-CH persecutes Christianity and looks down upon conservatives, I’ve faced neither prejudice since attending here, and believe me I don’t keep my views private.) The only way to succeed in college is to discover your unique identity, which is wholly refreshing when you discover that. It sounds almost like a great movie, guy goes through trials and tribulations and ultimately finds his rugged individualism while luring Salma Hayek into his sheets. Yeah but as I’ll blog on later, life doesn’t EVER work like the American media leads you to believe. The sensationalized romanticism trash being put out by the west coast these days is ridiculously inaccurate, and screws many people over.
   The fact is though, this process of discovering yourself, is tough. I wrote an article in my high school newspaper in which I said high school is, above all, ridiculously tough. Not because of the work, but of the constant pressure and stress. I can’t imagine a place where there’s less happiness than an American high school. Because lost amidst the hours of useless work that truly serves little purpose other than to teach you the value of doing more useless work, individualism is lost. I wasn’t Jake Geer at high school, I was #9 in class rank. On my first AP Psychology test, I wasn’t Jake Geer, I was a 72. My schedule wasn’t crafted around my interests, it was crafted around what top universities expect, and even then I failed in some respects. And there was no way to set yourself apart from your number. You were only as qualified as your scores read. College is great because even the process of applying gives you the objective of proving to said university that you are completely unique from everyone else in the pool, and that is why you should be let in. There were people with a higher GPA than mine that got rejected, and conversely there are people with a lower GPA than mine that actually got some money to attend here? Why, because they were more unique, they brought something to the table that I lacked. I remember one question on UNC’s application was “What uniqueness would you bring to the UNC community?” and I said “I’m unique in that I’m the same as everyone, I have something different about me that sets me apart from everyone else, and every individual has something different about them that sets them apart from everyone else. Can I verbalize it to you? No, I can not, but that’s not my job, I’m wanting to attend here because I want to know what my “thing” is as much as you do.” And I can easily say that’s been the case so far at Chapel Hill.
   Something about the university setting causes you to think. Not particularly about anything specific, but you have so much more time to simply envision yourself. Your thinking thoughts but you’re also thinking what those thoughts might say about you as an individual. Am I an introvert? I want to be an extrovert but I appreciate my privacy. Plus being introverted looks lame, everyone who is lame says they don’t hang out with people because they don’t want to. Anyone who hears this instantly goes “Lie, he/she just doesn’t have anyone with which to hang out.” And most of the time that’s true. But what if I really just am not in the mood a lot of the time to go out and hang around? I’m not in a particularly sour mood at the time but being in a crowd these days entails so much more than your simple presence. But if I don’t go hang out then everyone will know me as the loner kid, who has no friends despite what I think. So I go and hang out with people daily with a big grin on my face so no one says boo. See what I mean when I say college makes you think?
   But what do those kinds of thoughts say about me? If I’m conflicted between my innate appreciation of my alone time, along with my innate fear of being ostracized, will those two titans wage war with each other until death? Will I eventually get so tired of one I go with the other? Which should I be more focused on: The fact I like my privacy or the fact that I like being accepted? I have no idea, and there’s really no answer to it, but it’s something with which you have to struggle. I may believe that there’s no answer, but that doesn’t satisfy me enough to drop it. I have plenty of worries and plenty of blessings going on right now, but I’m surprisingly content. However, contentment doesn’t necessarily indicate an act of being stolid, so I still search for the latent content behind my actions/thoughts. And the university setting encourages it. Which is why it’s so fantastic to be here. I’m sure many people can embark on these thoughts themselves at their universities, but there really is no place like Carolina. Thank God too, the last thing I’d need is for my university to be cliche, right?

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